Fangs, but no thanks


Don’t get me wrong, I love vampire tales as much as the next person and I am sadly one of the millions of people mildly obsessed with TV shows like Vampire Diaries and True Blood – plus I have read all the Twilight books (ok, I had no choice, they were sitting in my flat and had to be read or binned) and watched all the movies so far (Team Jacob if you were wondering), but that’s just the problem. Everything in the fantasy world these days seems to be about vampires. Everything. Oh and werewolves and shape shifters and don’t forget the witches. You can’t have a good vampire story without all three of them surfacing at some point. In fact I think I’m now grossly disappointed if I watch a vampire show or movie and it only has vampires in it. My brain keeps wondering why a witch hasn’t appeared out of nowhere to cast a spell on someone or why scantily clad werewolves aren’t strutting across the screen baring their teeth at the pale skinned ones before morphing into oversized dogs (in broad daylight nonetheless).

Sometimes I long for the days when pure human willpower, some garlic, a well sharpened stake and a handy stash of holy water were all you needed to defeat a vampire. Where, oh where are we supposed to find an alliance of supernatural beings if we ever did run into a vampire in present times? And no I do not believe I’ll ever be in any danger of meeting one but you never know.

So what’s really the point of this rant? Clearly I like vampires so why have a heading that alludes to the opposite? The truth is that although I remain an unpublished writer, I hope to one day see my blood, sweat and tears acknowledged out there (even if only at the back of a badly lit dank and overcrowded book store) and as what I really enjoy writing is fantasy and mild horror for young adult readers, I’m terrified that I’ll get my perfectly okay tale about magical places and wondrous spells binned because I haven’t stuck a vampire in there somewhere. It’s a foolish fear really, if my writing is good enough it will stand out, but we all know a lot of publishers are out for one thing and its not to get good books out in the world; it’s to make money off an ever dwindling reading market (apologies to all my publisher friends but I don’t think I’m exaggerating here). I have to admit I’ve been tempted every so often to create my very own broody bloodsucker but then I remember the terrifying ashen face of Frank Langella from the first Dracula movie I saw in my childhood and I stop myself. I’ll probably make my vampire look and act exactly like he did, even though I’ve had enough Stephans, Damons and Erics to wash that impression away. Better stick to what you know best, I say. Or perhaps I should change tact and start to consider delving into the fiery world of dragons – they never really go out of fashion and it has to be said, dragons trump vampires any day. That’s settled, research commence!

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    • Razoo3214
    • May 22nd, 2011

    Atleast they haven’t completely killed it. Imagine if they didn’t have to be invited in or didn’t need rings to walk about in the day *shudders*.

    But I think what makes all these stories great is the unrealistic unconditional love between man and the supernatural. Nail that in any story and you’ll be laughing all the way to the bank baby.

    • Hmmm, that’s true. It seems to always be humans and supernaturals that share whatever silly love bond there is. Guess if it wasn’t that way it would be boring because what do we care if two supernaturals are in love.

    • ethanarc
    • May 22nd, 2011

    Well, my friend, to clarify why your “Vampire” (Yes, those are Airquotes) show’s always seem to infuse themselves with other creatures is because [Cracks fingers]…

    The shows you watch, are not just the watered down Anne Rice broody ‘Love Me; I’m tortured & tormented’ Toreador crap, it’s the Watered down feather haired rubber fanged Poppy piece of sh*t version of THAT. Oh & this of course is no reflection on YOU…it’s just what you’re watching is no different from, you know..the OTHER stuff you watch. Meaning your “True Blood” is no different from your “Coronation Street”. So when your writers on Corrie want to use shock tactics to leave fans gasping, they go:

    “She’s actually secretly pregnant for the other guy she slept with” (GAAAASSSSP)

    While in True Blood they go:

    “I’m A Fairy (Not Faerie by the way; big difference)” (GAAAAASSSSP).

    Now, If that’s what you LIKE to watch, then that’s COOL & all..for You, but where is “Merl” toiling away in the basement while being fed blood till he’s the size of a fricking semi; where is “Belle Morte”, the death all fall in love with despite the truth of her existence; I mean Laurell K. Hamilton tried to explore THAT character archetype a bit in her ‘Anita Blake’ series but still, it’s more ‘Anne Rice’ than ‘World of Darkness’.

    “Let Me In” delivered some good stuff but it was more a micro piece of a whole story.
    I mean COME ON! I seek eternal life to escape death, see the evolution of the world or enjoy life; either way, I have been Living-That’s Right LIVING not barely surviving for centuries, then happen to see some girl next door country waitress & guess what?…For..Some..REASON….i haven’t met anyone like her EVER before-Oh no no & not just me, No other centuries old individual HAS……….
    Wow, my afterlife MUST have been ridiculously F*cking Idle for that Sh*t to occur (Pardon the Cussing but it’s beyond necessary at this point).

    & that’s the idea with all these things, from Twilight to Anita Blake, even if Laurell did do a vicious amount of research for those books; love her for that.

    (sigh) I guess till I write what I consider a proper Vampire title (Which will probably be overlooked for some half-assed Justin Bieber looking title) I won’t be happy; since it seems no one else is willing to.

    (exhales) Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa feels good to get that out (Lmao)

    • You’ve been waiting a long time to say this!

        • ethanarc
        • May 22nd, 2011

        It’s Been A MINUTE Woman! I Been Waitin’!!! All This Time…Seriously! 😄

    • Chi Chi luvin
    • May 24th, 2011

    Much as I enjoy humanity’s recent romance with the supernatural, I can’t help wondering what will happen the next couple of decades. I mean think about it, 10 years ago when someone said Vampire you thought Count Dracula, shuddered and had nightmares for days. But now we empathise with team Edward, Damien or Eric (notice how I didn’t mention Stefan or Bill? Hee hee) and we think “he’s so hot, I want to let him bite me so I can live forever and drink blood!”.
    Picture this, we all dread zombies at the moment (did you hear the CDC has a full proof plan in case we get turned?). But give it another couple of years and we’ll be lovers with the flesh eaters. I’m just saying…

    • SHUDDER!!! I never even thought about that! And you know its true as well…Corpse Bride anyone?

        • ethanarc
        • May 24th, 2011

        You want the formula?

        If you don’t want something to be scary anymore, let HollyWood ‘ChippenDale’ it up & it becomes widely…EMBRACED is the word i’m looking for, by girls & Gay guys alike 😄

        As for the Males? well, we’re pretty simple so the monster could rage & slaughter all they like, but as long as they have the coke-bottle figure &…aPPROpriate parts, we’re good.e.g. Marlon Wayan’s in “Scary Movie.2” (Lmao)

    • CaramelD
    • July 17th, 2011

    Vampires now equals sex appeal. There is actually no fear. But we will get tired soon. There is only so much they can do. Start a new trend before everyone else and then when it becomes fashionable, you’ll be laughing.

    • I was at a publishing presentation where industry experts were giving aspiring writers advice and one of them said exactly the same thing. She said if you can figure out what is going to be hot before it becomes hot, you’re sorted. The only problem is how the hell are you supposed to know you’re on the ball and carry on with it? If anyone can solve that one, please send me a personal email.

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